It has been quite a while since I have reviewed anything or posted any sort of blog so I thought I would return with a very important topic – French Fries.

Since my job as a national music superstar involves quite a bit of travel and thus quite a bit of dining at fast food establishments, I consider myself an expert in the field. I must make the disclaimer, however (in case my wife is reading), that I have severely cut down on my fast food intake.

Anyways, I thought it would be beneficial to the general public for me to rank one of the staples of fast food side items – the french fry. Occasionally there are some other side items available – the best of which would be the cheese curds at the A&W restaurants – but for now I am only ranking the french fries at major fast food restaurant chains.

10. Krystal
Upside: They fill the emptiness in your stomach
Downside: They don’t taste very good
I lived in Nashville for ten years before I even dared to eat at this place. I had some of their little Krystal-Chik sandwiches and was pleasantly surprised so I have been back on occasion. Like any other American, I have been programmed to need fries and a drink with every food purchase so I am forced to get their fries whenever I eat there. These fries are as close to a neutral taste as you get. They don’t have much salt (if any) and are often limp and soggy. If you don’t have ketchup or anything you might as well just soak the paper cover you took off of your straw and eat it.

9. Wendy’s
Upside: Frosty dipping
Downside: Can sometimes actually taste bad
At their best, Wendy’s fries can be good enough to make you want to eat all of the ones you paid for. At their worst they can have an aftertaste that will make you long for a Krystal fry. The only reason these fries are ranked higher than Krystal is because they sometimes have salt on them and there is always the possibility that you could be dipping them into a frosty. I recently had some of their fries with the aftertaste problem. They tasted OK at first and then the salty taste gave way to some metallic taste like I was handling old pennies all day and then licked my fingers. Not recommended.

8. Sonic
Upside: Tater Tot substitution
Downside: Fries are generic
Sonic’s strongpoint is not their fry. I go for the Cherry Limeade. Their fries are very middle-of-the-road similar to ones you might get at a baseball game or something – but they get extra points for offering the tater tot alternative. I usually take advantage of this substitution option. Tater tots are always the superior choice not only because they taste better, but they actually trick you into thinking that you are eating potatoes rather than fries.

7. Burger King
Upside: Unique taste
Downside: Unique taste
These fries have a unique taste that is not necessarily better than the other joints, but they stand out because they have a little bit more of a crunchy element to them and they are usually fairly salty.

6. Steak-n-Shake
Upside: Skinny and salty
Downside: Somehow harder to eat
I have a love-hate relationship with this kind of fry. They are really skinny and taste pretty good but they aren’t as fun to eat as bigger fries are. I always feel like I need to use a fork or something.

5. KFC
Upside: Crusty Seasoned taste
Downside: Pam Anderson will be mad at you
Most people haven’t tried these “potato wedges” before but they are missing out. They are caked in some of that “seasoned fry” batter and actually taste pretty good. Also, being “wedges” instead of “fries” once again makes you feel better because you feel like you are eating more actual potato. It is not really any better for you, but perception is everything.

4. McDonalds
Upside: Salt
Downside: Obesity and eventual death
This is the highest ranking “standard fry” in my book. The secret? Salt and more salt. The fact that I like McDonalds’ fries so much makes me wonder if it would be a good idea to buy one of those salt blocks they make for cows and just keep it on my kitchen counter so that I can lick it whenever I pass by. They are a guilty pleasure for sure. I gave them up for a while along with all other McDonalds food after I watched Super Size Me. Unfortunately my ban was quite short-lived. The first time I was in a car with someone who ordered those fries – I knew I just had to have them again. I think they are made with some type of addictive drug.

3. Arby’s
Upside: Seasoning taste
Downside: Less food mass per order
I am talking about the seasoned curly fries here because as far as I am concerned there is no other option at this place. These fries taste great. The only downside is that I am convinced that they can’t fit very many of those spiral fries in the little fry cups – so you are getting less fry for the money.

2. Chik-Fil-A
Upside: Healthy illusion
Downside: No fries on Sunday
Somehow when you take salty fries and serve them in a waffle shape, they feel healthier. I don’t know that I would like these fries as much as McDonalds if they were just normal fry-shape but the fact that you might be able to see the skin of the potato on the fry makes you feel that you are eating much healthier. To make them even better, I dip them in the Polynesian sauce I get for my awesome nuggets. It is quite a combo.

1. Checkers/Rally’s
Upside: Mostest Awesomest Taste
Downside: I can’t stop eating them
Some people have never experienced these fries, but for a fan of the seasoned fry, Checkers is the greatest place in the world. Maybe by ranking them number one I will get an official endorsement with them to receive free fries for the rest of my life. If you see me sometime soon and I look swollen, you will know why.

*There are other places that have wonderful fries like In-N-Out, Ruby Tuesday’s, Five Guys and Red Robin – but they do not qualify for this test.