The Oscars 2006
Feb-26,2006 Filed in: WRITINGS
Welcome to the
70somethingth Oscars. Following you will find my own
abbreviated version of the Oscars. There are a few
things you might need to know before I get started.
In previous award shows, I kept track of the time to
help folks with their TIVO. I am not going to do that
today. Too much trouble.
Also, I am watching this show with Jill and our friends Mark and Molly Nicholas. We printed off Oscar ballots and each made our predictions. Jill pays attention to this stuff – so she has a better chance than I do. Molly brought her Entertainment Weekly Oscar Special. That means she has done her research. Cheater. Mark’s Oscar knowledge, like my own, is probably entirely from hearing his wife talk to him about it late at night when he is tired and pretending like he is listening. So essentially, we know nothing.
I will be keeping score – because that is one of my spiritual gifts. (This was determined while I was playing racquetball with Mike Weaver and Michael Olson. I am big on keeping score. It is the super competitive part of me.)
Here it goes. Remember this is just a vague recap – for those of you who didn’t see it or saw it and forgot what you saw. When it comes to an award presentation, I will state the presenter, the award category and then I will announce the winner in bold.
ANDY’S OSCARS CLIFF’S NOTES 2006
The introduction graphics. I see the car from Back to the Future. Did that win? Did Doc get supporting actor in the 80s? Drew got excited when Spiderman and Superman were on the screen.
Brought to you by Diet Coke, Mastercard, JC Penney, GM
Already had to pause because of a Jessica Alba conversation. Supposedly there is some big buzz about her. Molly and Jill are wondering if she is actually a real actress. I think most guys probably don’t care. Somehow the conversation then turns to an off-broadway play that I think was called Altar Boyz. Let me google it. Oh – here it is. It is about a Christian boy-band. There are 5 guys in it – Matthew, Mark, Luke, Juan and a Jewish boy named Abraham. They have songs like “Girl, you make me wanna wait.” I hate musicals, but I think I would go see this one. We had better get back to the Oscars or we will never finish them.
The opening montage. It shows them cycling through old hosts like Billy Crystal, Chris Rock, Whoopi, Steve Martin, David Letterman and they are saying that they are too busy to host the Oscars. It ends with Jon Stewart in bed with George Clooney. I can’t explain it. You should probably just watch it.
Jon Stewart comes out. He makes some good jokes, but doesn’t look like he is real comfortable.
Molly asks, “does he always wear sunglasses” about Jack Nicholson.
Jon makes some joke about the theme of the evening being “Return to Glamour” or something like that. He then makes a joke about sweatpants. The camera flashes to Charlize Theron. She apparently doesn’t think Jon is funny.
Nicole Kidman. SUPPORTING ACTOR – Nicole says something about one of the nominees getting his start as a TV doctor. Obviously she is talking about Clooney. Molly is offended, though, because she fondly remembers his start on the Facts of Life show. Hmmm. While Molly was pondering that mystery, Mark was asking if Nicole Kidman was the crazy one when she and Tom broke up. We were all like “no way.” He then realized he was confusing Nicole Kidman with Anne Heche. How do you do that? We have to stop talking about this stuff and get on with the show. Oh great. Now Jill is asking Molly if she really believes Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are breaking up. I feel like I am sitting inside an US magazine. George Clooney for Syriana. I picked Gyllenhall. Molly, Mark and Jill got it right. Dang. Clooney is a funny guy. Why are they playing the background music? Clooney talks about how Hollywood was on the forefront of change. Wahoo.
Jill, Mark and Molly – 1 point. Me – nothing.
Skit about long speeches. Tom Hanks is up there giving a long speech and then all of a sudden a horn player pops up right behind him. Then a little orchestra is closing in on him to let him know he is going too long. Then, to run the joke completely in the ground, some lady with a violin or something hits him over the head with it. All I can think about is how Mr. Hanks needs a different haircut.
Ben Stiller in a green outfit. He is dancing around as if he is a floating head in front of a green screen, but there is no green screen. It was actually kind of funny. Watch this part if you have it on TIVO. VISUAL EFFECTS – King Kong – Jill, Molly and I got this right. JM 2. AC 1. We really don’t like this playing the background music for the whole speech. Although, it seems to make people talk faster.
Jill and Molly – 2 points. Mark and Andy – 1 point.
Reese Witherspoon – ANIMATED FEATURE – I voted for Corpse Bride. Jill starts talking about how nervous she would be as a presenter. I don’t worry about such things. They aren’t going to be calling me anytime soon. Wallace & Gromit. Molly got it right. I totally would have picked it if I really read the ballot. I love Wallace and Gromit. The guys who are accepting the award have huge bow ties and a little one for Oscar. Molly takes the lead.
Molly – 3 points. Jill – 2 points. Andy and Mark – 1 measly little point.
Naomi Watts (“She looks pretty” – Jill) introduces a Nominee for Original Song. Jill and Molly start talking about who Naomi Watts is dating. I am telling you, these girls might as well be the editors of Entertainment Weekly. I think they said she is dating the guy from Manchurian Candidate. Sweet – Dolly Parton singing Travelin’ Thru. I love her. She is not what I normally think of when I think of plastic surgery. She seems too nice. (“Does she wear a corset?” – Mark) Oh No. People are clapping to the song in the audience. That always looks awkward to me.
“Has anyone seen Junebug” - Molly
The Wilson brothers come out. Jill says if I grew my hair out it would look like Luke Wilson’s hair. I don’t know if that is a good or bad thing. – LIVE ACTION SHORT – I picked Six Shooter. I don’t know why. Six Shooter. I am a genius. Freakin’ genius. So are Jill and Mark.
Molly and Jill – 3 points. Andy and Mark – 2 points.
Owen Wilson introduces Chicken Little and Abby Mallard. They introduce ANIMATED SHORT FILM – I picked One Man Band. The Moon and The Son. Mark is right. (“Who’s the man? I’m the man.” – Mark). I am now losing by myself.
Jill, Molly and Mark – 3 points. Me – 2 points.
Jennifer Aniston comes out. Have I mentioned the Aniston theory? Well, if I haven’t – here it is. I think Jennifer Aniston represents someone who has the general approval of just about every guy. On the flipside, there are people who have the Anti-Aniston effect. That is – they have the general disapproval of almost every guy. A few Anti-Anistons to think about – Richard Gere, Tori Spelling, Enrique Iglesias. COSTUME DESIGN. I put Pride and Prejudice for some reason. Memoirs of a Geisha. Molly guessed it. The winner seemed to be distracted by the background music during her speech.
Molly – 4. Mark and Jill – 3. Me – 2.
Russell Crowe. Introduces a montage about biographical movies. Jill and Molly talk about how much Val Kilmer looked like Jim Morrison. My favorite is Ben Kingsley as Gandhi. We had to watch that every year in Catholic school. That is the time to watch it. It is a very long movie. But when it gets you out of doing other school work – you don’t mind one bit. Also, Gandhi was a cool dude.
Steve Carrell and Will Ferrell come out with horrible makeup. Those guys are funny. MAKEUP. I guessed Narnia. I guessed right. Narnia. Molly and Andy right. M5 JCA3. We think the lady up there accepting the award is drunk. She just stood in the back while the guy was thanking people and looked like she was having a hissy fit. When he was finally done, she tried to thank someone, but they had already muted her mic and moved on to the commercial. Poor drunk lady.
Molly – 5. Jill, Mark and Andy – 3.
Rachel McAdams talks about the Scientific and Technical awards. Molly said Rachel looks different every time she sees her. We probably couldn’t recognize her in person.
Morgan Freeman. I like this dude. He screwed up saying demonstrative. SUPPORTING ACTRESS. (“Michelle Williams. Isn’t she in Destiny’s Child?” -Mark). Jill expresses her love for Rachel Weisz. I keep my mouth shut (a lesson I learned long ago. Never say “me too.” Those women just set traps.) Rachel Weisz. I guessed Michelle Williams. Jill right. Us wrong. M5 J4 AC3. I saw this movie. It was good.
Molly – 5. Jill – 4. Mark and Andy – 3.
They play a clip from Goodnight Good Luck. It is hard for me to get motivated to see a black and white film. I know that is not very cultured of me.
Jill strikes up a conversation with Molly about Beyonce’s fashion being over the top. We are moving from Entertainment Weekly to Star magazine.
Where is Rachel Weisz from? It seems that Mark and Molly thought she was from Australia. Jill and I thought England – although once again I make sure not to sound too interested in where she is from. Like I would care. I googled it and got this page. OK – so I spelled the name wrong. There is a z at the end. Still, to accidentally stumble upon that page was amazing. Who knew she liked dogs, horses and star wars. I then correct the spelling and learn that she was born in London.
While googling the real Rachel Weisz, the first link was the Internet Movie Database. They have a cool section on their site that has little trivia facts about the stars. Look out. I learned she is also Kenya Campbell and drives an old, black Jaguar 4.2 Sovereign with pepper-pot wheels. Amazing huh?
Lauren Bacall comes out to old pictures of herself. She is a critic of plastic surgery. Don’t ask me how I know. They are doing a special on Film Noir. Snore. I fast forwarded.
Jon Stewart talks about lobbying for Oscars. They have some fake commercials. You should watch this part. It is funny.
Terrence Howard from Hustle & Flow. DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECTS. I picked The Mushroom Club. No particular reason. A Note Of Triumph. None of us got this one. George Clooney makes another funny face.
Molly – 5. Jill – 4. Andy and Mark – 3.
Charlize Theron. I am not big on puffy things on shoulders – like shoulder pads. She has a throw pillow on hers. DOCUMENTARY FEATURE. Molly got it right. I didn’t. I picked Murderball. March of the Penguins. Molly right. All of the French guys have stuffed penguins. I can’t understand their speech. Mark is all emotional about this movie.
Molly – 6. Jill – 4. Andy and Mark – 3.
Now J Lo is coming out. Jill says she wants to root for her. I have seen some of her movies. I don’t root for her. She is introducing the original song from Crash. Kathleen Bird York is singing it. I really liked the song in the movie. There were people walking around in slow motion behind her.
Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves. I was searching pronunciation for Sandra’s name (Saundra or Sandra) and found this at the imdb - Received the scar on her head when she fell into a lake and cut her head on a rock. ART DIRECTION. I put Harry Potter. I know it will lose. But I like losing. Memoirs of a Geisha. Mark and Jill right. Molly and I were wrong. They show that Jing Jang lady. I did say she was pretty.
Molly – 6. Jill – 5. Mark – 4. Me – 3.
Samuel Jackson. This guy is in Snakes on a Plane. That must be why he is here. He introduces a montage of movies about touchy subjects. Everything is better in a montage.
Now for the part with the official guy. Fast forward.
Salma Hayek. When she is just talking, it still sounds like she is trying to seduce us. Fun Facts: she is dyslexic and loves dogs. She introduces Itzhak Pearlman who plays the music from the ORIGINAL SCORE category. We try to figure out if I really do look like the guy in Pride and Prejudice as they are playing the clips. Some people told me I did. I don’t think so. That dude is hot! Brokeback Mountain. Molly, Mark and I got it right.
Molly – 7. Jill and Mark – 5. Me – 4.
Jake Gyllenhall. He laughed at how lame his teleprompter text was. He introduces the 20th montage of the night. This one is about epics. Jill and Molly talk about how they don’t like epic movies. They say their brain shuts off during fight scenes. Typical.
Jon Stewart makes a joke about all of the montages. I was ahead of you buddy.
Jessica Alba and Eric Bana. How did Jessica Alba get to be known as a legit actress? I am not complaining. Wait .. yes I am. It must be time for a random imdb fact. Not many people know that Jessica had asthma as a child and she shares a birthday with Penelope Cruz. SOUND MIXING. I picked Walk the Line. King Kong. Nobody got that one.. I still haven’t seen this movie yet.
Molly – 7. Jill and Mark – 5. Me – 4.
Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep. I always expect Jill to say “I love Meryl Streep” when Meryl Streep is on TV. She just said it. They are talking about Robert Altman. Those two ladies talked for a long time. I tuned out, but it seemed like they were doing a good job. They were pretty funny. You should probably watch this part. Time for another montage. He gets an honorary oscar. We are fast forwarding through his speech.
We watch the M. Night Shamalamadingdong American Express commercial. Ho-hum.
Chris ‘Ludacris’ Bridges introduces the original song for Hustle & Flow. There is a guy named Crunchy Black who is one of the performers. Awesome. It is hard out here for a pimp. Ok. It got lame after a while.
Queen Latifah. Here she is again. BEST ORIGINAL SONG. I chose the pimp one. I am the only one. Its Hard Out Here for A Pimp. I knew it.
Molly – 7. Jill, Mark and Andy – 5.
Some more fake commercials about Sound Editors. Jennifer Garner is presenting. Jill points out the uncomfortableness between her and J Lo. She almost trips. Did you know that she played saxophone in high school? I digress. I picked King Kong for this one. King Kong. I am on a comeback. Molly and I got it right.
Molly – 8. Me – 6. Jill and Mark – 5.
George Clooney. I know I am always writing about this guy. I think he is funny. It isn’t a man crush or anything, he just seems like a funny guy. What isn’t funny is that he is doing the memorial segment. Pat Morita … Chris Penn – the big country guy dancer in Footloose … Anne Bancroft … Richard Pryor. It ends with a shot from Brewster’s Millions – one of my favorite movies ever. I think about it every time I use a stamp.
Will Smith. I loved him when he was still with Jazzy Jeff. FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM. Tsotsi. No clue what this movie is about. None of us got it right. This guy is passionate.
Ziyi Zhang. This is the pretty girl that I mistakenly called Jing Jang earlier. Did you know she was born on the same day as Mena Suvari? Bet you didn’t. FILM EDITING. Jill, Molly and I put Crash. Crash. The winner said that Paul Haggis is a force of nature. Interesting.
Molly – 9. Me – 7. Jill – 6. Mark – 5.
Hillary Swank. LEAD ACTOR. Now we are getting to the big awards. We all voted for Phillip Seymour Hoffman. I like that guy. I like the other guys too, but I am partial to my friend Phil. Did you know that he had the flu the entire time he was in Almost Famous. He also has a brother named Gordy. Phillip Seymour Hoffman. We all get that one. He looks like an overweight, beardless, blonde version of Mark Nicholas. Really, it is just the glasses that look alike.
Molly – 10. Me – 8. Jill – 7. Mark – 6.
They show the clip from Brokeback Mountain. I kind of want to see this movie. Go ahead and make jokes.
“One more time for Bill Conti and the orchestra.” – Jon Stewart.
John Travolta. I am not a big fan of this guy. OK – I don’t really want to write this imdb fact, but it is too bizarre to ignore. His son, Jett, was conceived during a weekend at the home of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. Why do we need to know that. I guess we don’t. CINEMATOGRAPHY. I put Brokeback. Memoirs of a Geisha. Just as they announce the winner, you can hear somebody say “Ok, here we go.” I love it when there are glitches in the show. Jill got it right.
Molly – 10. Andy and Jill – 8. Mark – 6.
Jaime Foxx. I am not real big on this guy either. He should do a movie with John Travolta. LEAD ACTRESS. We all put Reese. I think it will be Felicity Huffman. She is so scary looking in that movie. Reese Witherspoon. Let’s hear it for the Nashville girl. I haven’t seen this movie yet either. I guess I should. It was an interesting speech.
Molly – 11. Andy and Jill – 9. Mark – 7.
Dustin Hoffman. Did you know that while he was filming Finding Neverland, he cut off the tip of one of his fingers? ADAPTED SCREENPLAY. Once again, we all picked Brokeback. Brokeback Mountain. Larry McMurtry looks confused up there.
Molly – 12. Andy and Jill – 10. Mark – 8.
Uma Thurman. My brother has a crush on her. So much so that he was an extra in the movie The Alamo because he thought that Ethan Hawke was going to be in it. If Ethan Hawke was going to be in it – surely he would bring his wife to the set to hang out. I think Ethan eventually backed out of the movie. Sorry bro. ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY. I put Crash. Crash. Mark put Squid and the Whale. Ha. This was definitely an interesting movie.
Molly – 13. Andy and Jill – 11. Mark – 8.
They play a clip from Crash. Intense.
Tom Hanks. DIRECTOR. I put Brokeback Mountain. Brokeback Mountain. Man, this movie must be good. I like Ang Lee. He is a big fan of the Calgary Flames Hockey team.
Molly – 14. Andy and Jill – 12. Mark – 9.
Jack Nicholson. We look at the lady writer for Brokeback as she seemingly picks her teeth with a straw. Funny. BEST PICTURE. We all put Brokeback Mountain. Here is the surprise of the night. Crash. “Look at her guns!” – Mark Nicholas talking about the lady up there with Paul Haggis, Cathy Shulman. She is stronger than me that’s for sure – no big feat.
So the final score is
Molly – 14
Andy and Jill – 12
Mark – 9
I decide that it is no longer an individual competition, but the couples are teams.
Look at that! Team Gullahorn wins by one point! What a surprise.
Time for bed.
Also, I am watching this show with Jill and our friends Mark and Molly Nicholas. We printed off Oscar ballots and each made our predictions. Jill pays attention to this stuff – so she has a better chance than I do. Molly brought her Entertainment Weekly Oscar Special. That means she has done her research. Cheater. Mark’s Oscar knowledge, like my own, is probably entirely from hearing his wife talk to him about it late at night when he is tired and pretending like he is listening. So essentially, we know nothing.
I will be keeping score – because that is one of my spiritual gifts. (This was determined while I was playing racquetball with Mike Weaver and Michael Olson. I am big on keeping score. It is the super competitive part of me.)
Here it goes. Remember this is just a vague recap – for those of you who didn’t see it or saw it and forgot what you saw. When it comes to an award presentation, I will state the presenter, the award category and then I will announce the winner in bold.
ANDY’S OSCARS CLIFF’S NOTES 2006
The introduction graphics. I see the car from Back to the Future. Did that win? Did Doc get supporting actor in the 80s? Drew got excited when Spiderman and Superman were on the screen.
Brought to you by Diet Coke, Mastercard, JC Penney, GM
Already had to pause because of a Jessica Alba conversation. Supposedly there is some big buzz about her. Molly and Jill are wondering if she is actually a real actress. I think most guys probably don’t care. Somehow the conversation then turns to an off-broadway play that I think was called Altar Boyz. Let me google it. Oh – here it is. It is about a Christian boy-band. There are 5 guys in it – Matthew, Mark, Luke, Juan and a Jewish boy named Abraham. They have songs like “Girl, you make me wanna wait.” I hate musicals, but I think I would go see this one. We had better get back to the Oscars or we will never finish them.
The opening montage. It shows them cycling through old hosts like Billy Crystal, Chris Rock, Whoopi, Steve Martin, David Letterman and they are saying that they are too busy to host the Oscars. It ends with Jon Stewart in bed with George Clooney. I can’t explain it. You should probably just watch it.
Jon Stewart comes out. He makes some good jokes, but doesn’t look like he is real comfortable.
Molly asks, “does he always wear sunglasses” about Jack Nicholson.
Jon makes some joke about the theme of the evening being “Return to Glamour” or something like that. He then makes a joke about sweatpants. The camera flashes to Charlize Theron. She apparently doesn’t think Jon is funny.
Nicole Kidman. SUPPORTING ACTOR – Nicole says something about one of the nominees getting his start as a TV doctor. Obviously she is talking about Clooney. Molly is offended, though, because she fondly remembers his start on the Facts of Life show. Hmmm. While Molly was pondering that mystery, Mark was asking if Nicole Kidman was the crazy one when she and Tom broke up. We were all like “no way.” He then realized he was confusing Nicole Kidman with Anne Heche. How do you do that? We have to stop talking about this stuff and get on with the show. Oh great. Now Jill is asking Molly if she really believes Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are breaking up. I feel like I am sitting inside an US magazine. George Clooney for Syriana. I picked Gyllenhall. Molly, Mark and Jill got it right. Dang. Clooney is a funny guy. Why are they playing the background music? Clooney talks about how Hollywood was on the forefront of change. Wahoo.
Jill, Mark and Molly – 1 point. Me – nothing.
Skit about long speeches. Tom Hanks is up there giving a long speech and then all of a sudden a horn player pops up right behind him. Then a little orchestra is closing in on him to let him know he is going too long. Then, to run the joke completely in the ground, some lady with a violin or something hits him over the head with it. All I can think about is how Mr. Hanks needs a different haircut.
Ben Stiller in a green outfit. He is dancing around as if he is a floating head in front of a green screen, but there is no green screen. It was actually kind of funny. Watch this part if you have it on TIVO. VISUAL EFFECTS – King Kong – Jill, Molly and I got this right. JM 2. AC 1. We really don’t like this playing the background music for the whole speech. Although, it seems to make people talk faster.
Jill and Molly – 2 points. Mark and Andy – 1 point.
Reese Witherspoon – ANIMATED FEATURE – I voted for Corpse Bride. Jill starts talking about how nervous she would be as a presenter. I don’t worry about such things. They aren’t going to be calling me anytime soon. Wallace & Gromit. Molly got it right. I totally would have picked it if I really read the ballot. I love Wallace and Gromit. The guys who are accepting the award have huge bow ties and a little one for Oscar. Molly takes the lead.
Molly – 3 points. Jill – 2 points. Andy and Mark – 1 measly little point.
Naomi Watts (“She looks pretty” – Jill) introduces a Nominee for Original Song. Jill and Molly start talking about who Naomi Watts is dating. I am telling you, these girls might as well be the editors of Entertainment Weekly. I think they said she is dating the guy from Manchurian Candidate. Sweet – Dolly Parton singing Travelin’ Thru. I love her. She is not what I normally think of when I think of plastic surgery. She seems too nice. (“Does she wear a corset?” – Mark) Oh No. People are clapping to the song in the audience. That always looks awkward to me.
“Has anyone seen Junebug” - Molly
The Wilson brothers come out. Jill says if I grew my hair out it would look like Luke Wilson’s hair. I don’t know if that is a good or bad thing. – LIVE ACTION SHORT – I picked Six Shooter. I don’t know why. Six Shooter. I am a genius. Freakin’ genius. So are Jill and Mark.
Molly and Jill – 3 points. Andy and Mark – 2 points.
Owen Wilson introduces Chicken Little and Abby Mallard. They introduce ANIMATED SHORT FILM – I picked One Man Band. The Moon and The Son. Mark is right. (“Who’s the man? I’m the man.” – Mark). I am now losing by myself.
Jill, Molly and Mark – 3 points. Me – 2 points.
Jennifer Aniston comes out. Have I mentioned the Aniston theory? Well, if I haven’t – here it is. I think Jennifer Aniston represents someone who has the general approval of just about every guy. On the flipside, there are people who have the Anti-Aniston effect. That is – they have the general disapproval of almost every guy. A few Anti-Anistons to think about – Richard Gere, Tori Spelling, Enrique Iglesias. COSTUME DESIGN. I put Pride and Prejudice for some reason. Memoirs of a Geisha. Molly guessed it. The winner seemed to be distracted by the background music during her speech.
Molly – 4. Mark and Jill – 3. Me – 2.
Russell Crowe. Introduces a montage about biographical movies. Jill and Molly talk about how much Val Kilmer looked like Jim Morrison. My favorite is Ben Kingsley as Gandhi. We had to watch that every year in Catholic school. That is the time to watch it. It is a very long movie. But when it gets you out of doing other school work – you don’t mind one bit. Also, Gandhi was a cool dude.
Steve Carrell and Will Ferrell come out with horrible makeup. Those guys are funny. MAKEUP. I guessed Narnia. I guessed right. Narnia. Molly and Andy right. M5 JCA3. We think the lady up there accepting the award is drunk. She just stood in the back while the guy was thanking people and looked like she was having a hissy fit. When he was finally done, she tried to thank someone, but they had already muted her mic and moved on to the commercial. Poor drunk lady.
Molly – 5. Jill, Mark and Andy – 3.
Rachel McAdams talks about the Scientific and Technical awards. Molly said Rachel looks different every time she sees her. We probably couldn’t recognize her in person.
Morgan Freeman. I like this dude. He screwed up saying demonstrative. SUPPORTING ACTRESS. (“Michelle Williams. Isn’t she in Destiny’s Child?” -Mark). Jill expresses her love for Rachel Weisz. I keep my mouth shut (a lesson I learned long ago. Never say “me too.” Those women just set traps.) Rachel Weisz. I guessed Michelle Williams. Jill right. Us wrong. M5 J4 AC3. I saw this movie. It was good.
Molly – 5. Jill – 4. Mark and Andy – 3.
They play a clip from Goodnight Good Luck. It is hard for me to get motivated to see a black and white film. I know that is not very cultured of me.
Jill strikes up a conversation with Molly about Beyonce’s fashion being over the top. We are moving from Entertainment Weekly to Star magazine.
Where is Rachel Weisz from? It seems that Mark and Molly thought she was from Australia. Jill and I thought England – although once again I make sure not to sound too interested in where she is from. Like I would care. I googled it and got this page. OK – so I spelled the name wrong. There is a z at the end. Still, to accidentally stumble upon that page was amazing. Who knew she liked dogs, horses and star wars. I then correct the spelling and learn that she was born in London.
While googling the real Rachel Weisz, the first link was the Internet Movie Database. They have a cool section on their site that has little trivia facts about the stars. Look out. I learned she is also Kenya Campbell and drives an old, black Jaguar 4.2 Sovereign with pepper-pot wheels. Amazing huh?
Lauren Bacall comes out to old pictures of herself. She is a critic of plastic surgery. Don’t ask me how I know. They are doing a special on Film Noir. Snore. I fast forwarded.
Jon Stewart talks about lobbying for Oscars. They have some fake commercials. You should watch this part. It is funny.
Terrence Howard from Hustle & Flow. DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECTS. I picked The Mushroom Club. No particular reason. A Note Of Triumph. None of us got this one. George Clooney makes another funny face.
Molly – 5. Jill – 4. Andy and Mark – 3.
Charlize Theron. I am not big on puffy things on shoulders – like shoulder pads. She has a throw pillow on hers. DOCUMENTARY FEATURE. Molly got it right. I didn’t. I picked Murderball. March of the Penguins. Molly right. All of the French guys have stuffed penguins. I can’t understand their speech. Mark is all emotional about this movie.
Molly – 6. Jill – 4. Andy and Mark – 3.
Now J Lo is coming out. Jill says she wants to root for her. I have seen some of her movies. I don’t root for her. She is introducing the original song from Crash. Kathleen Bird York is singing it. I really liked the song in the movie. There were people walking around in slow motion behind her.
Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves. I was searching pronunciation for Sandra’s name (Saundra or Sandra) and found this at the imdb - Received the scar on her head when she fell into a lake and cut her head on a rock. ART DIRECTION. I put Harry Potter. I know it will lose. But I like losing. Memoirs of a Geisha. Mark and Jill right. Molly and I were wrong. They show that Jing Jang lady. I did say she was pretty.
Molly – 6. Jill – 5. Mark – 4. Me – 3.
Samuel Jackson. This guy is in Snakes on a Plane. That must be why he is here. He introduces a montage of movies about touchy subjects. Everything is better in a montage.
Now for the part with the official guy. Fast forward.
Salma Hayek. When she is just talking, it still sounds like she is trying to seduce us. Fun Facts: she is dyslexic and loves dogs. She introduces Itzhak Pearlman who plays the music from the ORIGINAL SCORE category. We try to figure out if I really do look like the guy in Pride and Prejudice as they are playing the clips. Some people told me I did. I don’t think so. That dude is hot! Brokeback Mountain. Molly, Mark and I got it right.
Molly – 7. Jill and Mark – 5. Me – 4.
Jake Gyllenhall. He laughed at how lame his teleprompter text was. He introduces the 20th montage of the night. This one is about epics. Jill and Molly talk about how they don’t like epic movies. They say their brain shuts off during fight scenes. Typical.
Jon Stewart makes a joke about all of the montages. I was ahead of you buddy.
Jessica Alba and Eric Bana. How did Jessica Alba get to be known as a legit actress? I am not complaining. Wait .. yes I am. It must be time for a random imdb fact. Not many people know that Jessica had asthma as a child and she shares a birthday with Penelope Cruz. SOUND MIXING. I picked Walk the Line. King Kong. Nobody got that one.. I still haven’t seen this movie yet.
Molly – 7. Jill and Mark – 5. Me – 4.
Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep. I always expect Jill to say “I love Meryl Streep” when Meryl Streep is on TV. She just said it. They are talking about Robert Altman. Those two ladies talked for a long time. I tuned out, but it seemed like they were doing a good job. They were pretty funny. You should probably watch this part. Time for another montage. He gets an honorary oscar. We are fast forwarding through his speech.
We watch the M. Night Shamalamadingdong American Express commercial. Ho-hum.
Chris ‘Ludacris’ Bridges introduces the original song for Hustle & Flow. There is a guy named Crunchy Black who is one of the performers. Awesome. It is hard out here for a pimp. Ok. It got lame after a while.
Queen Latifah. Here she is again. BEST ORIGINAL SONG. I chose the pimp one. I am the only one. Its Hard Out Here for A Pimp. I knew it.
Molly – 7. Jill, Mark and Andy – 5.
Some more fake commercials about Sound Editors. Jennifer Garner is presenting. Jill points out the uncomfortableness between her and J Lo. She almost trips. Did you know that she played saxophone in high school? I digress. I picked King Kong for this one. King Kong. I am on a comeback. Molly and I got it right.
Molly – 8. Me – 6. Jill and Mark – 5.
George Clooney. I know I am always writing about this guy. I think he is funny. It isn’t a man crush or anything, he just seems like a funny guy. What isn’t funny is that he is doing the memorial segment. Pat Morita … Chris Penn – the big country guy dancer in Footloose … Anne Bancroft … Richard Pryor. It ends with a shot from Brewster’s Millions – one of my favorite movies ever. I think about it every time I use a stamp.
Will Smith. I loved him when he was still with Jazzy Jeff. FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM. Tsotsi. No clue what this movie is about. None of us got it right. This guy is passionate.
Ziyi Zhang. This is the pretty girl that I mistakenly called Jing Jang earlier. Did you know she was born on the same day as Mena Suvari? Bet you didn’t. FILM EDITING. Jill, Molly and I put Crash. Crash. The winner said that Paul Haggis is a force of nature. Interesting.
Molly – 9. Me – 7. Jill – 6. Mark – 5.
Hillary Swank. LEAD ACTOR. Now we are getting to the big awards. We all voted for Phillip Seymour Hoffman. I like that guy. I like the other guys too, but I am partial to my friend Phil. Did you know that he had the flu the entire time he was in Almost Famous. He also has a brother named Gordy. Phillip Seymour Hoffman. We all get that one. He looks like an overweight, beardless, blonde version of Mark Nicholas. Really, it is just the glasses that look alike.
Molly – 10. Me – 8. Jill – 7. Mark – 6.
They show the clip from Brokeback Mountain. I kind of want to see this movie. Go ahead and make jokes.
“One more time for Bill Conti and the orchestra.” – Jon Stewart.
John Travolta. I am not a big fan of this guy. OK – I don’t really want to write this imdb fact, but it is too bizarre to ignore. His son, Jett, was conceived during a weekend at the home of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. Why do we need to know that. I guess we don’t. CINEMATOGRAPHY. I put Brokeback. Memoirs of a Geisha. Just as they announce the winner, you can hear somebody say “Ok, here we go.” I love it when there are glitches in the show. Jill got it right.
Molly – 10. Andy and Jill – 8. Mark – 6.
Jaime Foxx. I am not real big on this guy either. He should do a movie with John Travolta. LEAD ACTRESS. We all put Reese. I think it will be Felicity Huffman. She is so scary looking in that movie. Reese Witherspoon. Let’s hear it for the Nashville girl. I haven’t seen this movie yet either. I guess I should. It was an interesting speech.
Molly – 11. Andy and Jill – 9. Mark – 7.
Dustin Hoffman. Did you know that while he was filming Finding Neverland, he cut off the tip of one of his fingers? ADAPTED SCREENPLAY. Once again, we all picked Brokeback. Brokeback Mountain. Larry McMurtry looks confused up there.
Molly – 12. Andy and Jill – 10. Mark – 8.
Uma Thurman. My brother has a crush on her. So much so that he was an extra in the movie The Alamo because he thought that Ethan Hawke was going to be in it. If Ethan Hawke was going to be in it – surely he would bring his wife to the set to hang out. I think Ethan eventually backed out of the movie. Sorry bro. ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY. I put Crash. Crash. Mark put Squid and the Whale. Ha. This was definitely an interesting movie.
Molly – 13. Andy and Jill – 11. Mark – 8.
They play a clip from Crash. Intense.
Tom Hanks. DIRECTOR. I put Brokeback Mountain. Brokeback Mountain. Man, this movie must be good. I like Ang Lee. He is a big fan of the Calgary Flames Hockey team.
Molly – 14. Andy and Jill – 12. Mark – 9.
Jack Nicholson. We look at the lady writer for Brokeback as she seemingly picks her teeth with a straw. Funny. BEST PICTURE. We all put Brokeback Mountain. Here is the surprise of the night. Crash. “Look at her guns!” – Mark Nicholas talking about the lady up there with Paul Haggis, Cathy Shulman. She is stronger than me that’s for sure – no big feat.
So the final score is
Molly – 14
Andy and Jill – 12
Mark – 9
I decide that it is no longer an individual competition, but the couples are teams.
Look at that! Team Gullahorn wins by one point! What a surprise.
Time for bed.